Great post on loving yourself:
Telling someone who hates themselves that their life will be better if they learn self-love is about as helpful as telling a penguin it can fly if it just flaps its wings. Sure it sounds good, but no matter how hard a penguin flaps, its feet will never leave the ground. Just as there are birds that can’t fly, there are people who can’t love themselves. But, if you told that penguin to jump in the water and flap its wings, that little guy would be swimming circles around you. I’m not saying that self-love isn’t important, only that it is not the only way to feel whole as a person.
If football advice were given out like therapeutic advice blog posts (like this one on emotional intelligence):
It’s more healthy to gain yardage than to lose it
Running the football forward and passing it forward gains you yards. You want to do this. When the quarterback or running back gets sacked that is bad because you lose yardage. Sometimes players run in the opposite direction by mistake into their own end zone. That will cost you two points and the ball. Don’t do that.
You’ll want to score more points than the other team
You should try to get touch downs and field goals. When you get more points than the other team and the game time clock runs out, you win the game. The more games you win the better because then you can get in the playoffs and if you keep winning you could get in the Superbowl.
Being good at catching a football is important
When a quarterback throws a ball to his receivers, it’s important that they catch it. Being good at catching takes a lot of practice and you should really learn to do it well. If you are on the opposing team but not a receiver it’s nice to be good at catching as well as you can intercept the ball so your team gets to have it. Dropping the football is really bad, you shouldn’t do that. The other team could recover it.
A football is different
A football is not a basketball, it is oblong and has pointy ends. Throwing, catching, and running with it is different than other sports. Footballs have been inflated to their optimal level. It would be wise not to walk in on them being inflated or tamper with them yourself. You could even lose playing time for doing so.
I had an appointment down at the indigent clinic and one of the things on the TV is most stress is caused by our reaction to stressors, not the stressors themselves. While this is true some of the times (like taking things out of proportion in relationships) I wouldn’t say it is the majority. All this tells me is I’m culpable for my stress if I am unable to play cognitive tricks and take pills that make handling all the shit thrown my way survivable.
A lot of critiques one levies against Christianity can be levied just as strongly against the therapeutic industrial complex (TIC).
Both are disingenuous about authority. In Christianity this takes the form of denying the faith is in fact a religion and making people think their opinions actually come from God and not religious authorities (that’s why they’re fine with people being attuned to the voice of God so long as it doesn’t go against their teachings). With the TIC therapists claim to be facilitating one’s own decision making process when they suggest things (the therapist I have to see told me to quit my job, which would have been bad had I done it). The problem is in order for therapy to work one must trust in the authority of the therapist (for example sleep therapy where the therapists told the patients not to have such anxious thoughts about going to sleep). One of the austerity measures in Britain was to force people on the disability roles to see therapists that would presumably tell them to get a job. This brings up another thread where the dynamic of the doctor patient relationship changes depending on who is footing the bill (so an upper middle class professional seeing a therapist on private insurance might use a therapist as a sounding board only where someone lower down will be more controlled by them).
Both include thought crimes. In Christianity this is obvious borne from Jesus’s teachings on lust and anger. The negativity bitterness is met with also seems to indicate Christians are culpable for their emotions as well. Things aren’t any better in the TIC. Sexuality is left alone much more in the TIC but other thoughts get banned. You enter the tyranny of self-esteem. Feeling bad about yourself (even if it’s warranted though reasons grounded in anthropology and common sense) is off limits. And to continue to do so just brings more guilt. Negative thoughts are almost always seen as bad even though they are often accurate and ground a person in reality. Treatments try to get deep inside your head and are really invasive with your thought processes with the promise of making you “healthy”. But often, like a half done house, these mechanics applied poorly are worse than them not being applied at all. People who can’t play the cognitive tricks needed to succeed in therapy are guilted the same way Christians who don’t experience God are (both require a brain way beyond mine).
Both have an unrealistic expectation for purity. In Christianity this is obvious, there is an emphasis on sinful things and not being good enough. In the TIC “unhealthy” replaces sinful as the term to stay away from though they are much less direct about this. The TIC tends to assume one has the material, social, and emotional resources to live a successful hyper individualistic life and if one happens to fall short of this they aren’t healthy. They demonize neediness because that implies dependence which is something to stay away from (plus a lot of people would see therapists less if they had good friends). People of lower means often don’t have access to “healthy relationships”, simply because people who the TIC deems healthy generally don’t associate with people the TIC does not. Like God’s perfection, being what the TIC calls healthy is an impossible goal only available to a small portion of the population.
Both pretend to care about you when all they want to do is control you. I understand there are caring therapists and caring people in the faith but these are a minority. Most people want to exploit and control you, it’s just that in some professions they have to do so while playing lip service to having concern for you. Remember that the religious people who tell you to take your experience of God seriously won’t be there to pay the mental hospital bills when you do. And therapists are not bound to what their work produces the way engineers are. If a bridge fails an engineer will often suffer the consequences. If a therapist ruins a life no one bats an eye. In fact because patient confidentiality and the itinerant nature of that kind of care they more often than not will never know.
Every therapist should listen to this podcast. All disallowing negativity does is silence those who speak truth to power. In fact if you take the idea there is truth away entirely than in the vacuum all that exists is what those in power command, in this case circuitously by banning negativity.
Therapists demonize neediness and dependence. Somehow we are all supposed to live in a world where we can live a self contained hyperindividualistic existence. Unfortunately economic reality dictates that many of us can’t and certainly most of us with disabilities can’t. What we can’t help being is what we’re not supposed to be. If that isn’t ableism I don’t know what is. It’s even worse than religion. At least with religion if you submit to their tenants and perform their rituals they usually treat you as someone you’re supposed to be.
And why is dependence a bad thing? Calling someone dependent on others is almost a slur. If the capability to be autonomous wasn’t out of reach for a large portion of our generation then maybe you could make the case for it. But it’s not. It’s just another way to kick us while we’re already down. That’s what our culture is good at, kicking us when we’re down. Those on top are loved and lifted up. Everyone else can go die in a fire.
STIR article that says what I feel way better than I could:
When I say that I am against forgiveness, I am not judging individuals who choose to forgive. If doing so helps you, then by all means, forgive. What I abhor is a culture that places demands on victims and survivors, insisting that we are not whole until we forgive. Forgiveness culture implies that betrayers and abusers can expect to be forgiven — they can hurt and harm and rage — and should their targets decline to forgive, they can rest smug in the assurance that the refusal reflects a flaw in their victims, not in themselves.
Great NYTimes article on people always blaming themselves for toxic situations:
When people can’t live up to the increasingly taxing demands of the economy, they often blame themselves and then struggle to live with the guilt. You see this same tendency, of course, in a variety of contexts, from children of divorce who feel responsible for their parents’ separation to the “survivor guilt” of those who live through disasters. In situations that may seem impossible or unacceptable, guilt becomes a shield for the anger you otherwise would feel: The child may be angry with her parents for divorcing, the survivor may be angry with those who perished.
And a great comment by James H:
Sometimes people are depressed because the world is dying. Those who read the science of climate change and the politics of multinational corporations are trying to come to grips with the impending end of civilization and environmental diversity as we have known them since the beginning of human consciousness. How we approach those large possibilities should spawn a new entire new therapeutic focus that tries to help humans deal with their own extinction.
What I like to say to everyone that parrots all the talking points of the Christian and therapeutic world. Participate in the delusions you perpetuate. If you believe a person has innate worth treat the people lower than you like humans instead of making excuses as to why you won’t engage them. If you have a romantic view of suffering, don’t drop out of or stay away from the lives of people who have suffered (treat them the way you’d treat people who other good things happened to like hitting the powerball). If you believe in prayer, trust in its power. That means if you were praying for someone to be healed you have to treat them as if they were already healed (as you’d be expected to assuming you were praying in faith).
Chances are, when you start actually thinking critically about these things, you’ll realize that these ideas you got from the faith and the therapist were nothing more than talking points all along. They have nothing to do with the way reality actually functions.
This is blatantly obvious but for therapy to work one has to trust in the authority of the therapist. I had a therapist lead me away from Christianity at an extremely vulnerable time in my life (just got a bipolar diagnosis, had no job, the girl I wanted to marry was ignoring me, etc..). Suffice it to say I do not trust therapists. That’s why I’m not being proactive finding one even though I’m supposed to be.
I have a hard time understanding why people give therapists any authority at all. It sounds so ridiculous to me to pay someone to tell you you’re worth something. Heck I’d tell you you’re worth something if you paid me!